Twisted Every Way
by The Real Christine Daae
Summary: Yes Yes I know this title is way over-used but read this phunny phic and you will find out why this was the only fitting name for it!!!!!


1 Twisted Every Way.  
  
This particular phic was inspired by the artist Raphael's rendition of the cartoon version of the POTO characters playing out the end of the musical over a game of Chutes and Ladders. This is a little more appropriate for my usual readers' taste in humor. Enjoy. . .  
  
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4 Scene: Erik, Christine, and Raoul are in the lair. Erik has just given Christine the decision to either marry him or Raoul will die.  
  
Erik: So what is your choice?  
  
Christine: Umm, It's such a hard decision. I don't know what I should do. (She blinks her eyes repeatedly and vacantly stares at Erik)  
  
Erik: (making a sound of exasperation) Christine, it isn't that difficult a decision. Do you want Raoul to die or not?  
  
Christine: Umm . . .  
  
Erik: That's it! I'm fed up with this dumb blonde crap! I feel like I'm talking to a monkey!  
  
Raoul: (choking through the noose) Hey! That's my fiancé you are talking about!  
  
Erik: Shut up you fop before I tighten that thing!  
  
Christine: Stop that yelling I have a headache!  
  
Erik: Christine, make up your mind before I really lose my patience! Am I going to finally get to kill this idiot, or are you going to satisfy me in other ways?  
  
Christine: Umm what do you mean, other ways?  
  
Erik: Must I spell EVERYTHING out for you?  
  
Christine: Uhh I guess so (another dumb look crosses her face)  
  
Erik: (thinking to himself, "Why in the world would I fall for a ditz like this?") Ah Crap!  
  
Raoul: Christine my love! Don't you say a word.  
  
Christine: (just stares off into space humming to herself.)  
  
Erik: Christine! (bringing her out of it) Either you tell me you will marry me right now or I'll kill him!  
  
Christine: I don't know. It sounds pretty violent to me! Couldn't we settle this another way?  
  
Erik: Like what?  
  
Christine: Umm we could play a game or something, and whoever wins, gets to keep me?  
  
Erik: A game??? What sort of game? Personally I like the game of "lets kill Raoul right now and get it over with!"  
  
Christine: Well, how about twister?  
  
Erik and Raoul: Huh?????  
  
Christine: Yeah sure, why not?  
  
Erik: Well, umm. ok. Alright with you Raoul?  
  
Raoul: (stares at him stupidly) Uh I guess so.  
  
Erik lets Raoul out of the noose and they both move over to the floor where Christine is setting up the floor-mat. She hops up onto the piano and holds the spinner out grinning.  
  
Christine: Ok! Who want's to go first?  
  
Raoul: (jumps up and down waving his hand around frantically) Ooh Ooh! Me me! Pick me Christine, I want to go first!  
  
Erik: (looks at Raoul, who is hyperventilating and straining for Christine's approval that you go first, with a look like, "You've got to be joking.)  
  
Christine: Umm let's see here. Who to pick?  
  
Raoul: (still jumping around) Me me!  
  
Christine: Raoul! You can go first!  
  
Raoul: Yessssss!  
  
Erik: Go ahead you dumb fop! I'm going to win anyway. (watches Raoul take his place on the mat) You're probably going to break a nail or something then lose.  
  
Christine: (spins the spinner and calls out) Left foot blue  
  
Raoul: (jumps enthusiastically onto the blue spot) Ha! This is so easy!  
  
Christine: Erik, it's your turn. (Spins again) Right hand red.  
  
Erik: (looking very bored with the pointless game) Ooh that was really hard Raoul. Better give up now!  
  
Christine: Ok! My turn now!  
  
Erik and Raoul: What???  
  
Christine: Well, I can't let you guys have all the fun now can I? (She spins and it lands on left foot green so she jumps onto the game mat with them)  
  
Fifteen minutes later.  
  
Erik, Raoul, and Christine are in a tangled mess on the game board. Erik is bent over backwards with his legs crossed on different spots. Christine is halfway under him and half over Raoul with her legs splayed in a most unladylike way. Raoul is sweating and breathing hard, even though he is in a rather comfortable position compared to the other two.  
  
Erik: This was so not a good idea!  
  
Christine: Move your head Raoul, so I can reach the spinner!  
  
Raoul: Ouch! Erik! Get your knee out of my crotch!  
  
Erik: My knee isn't in your crotch, and if anything were touching you it would be my fist in your face!  
  
Christine: Shut up both of you, I'm trying to think. Umm right hand red.  
  
Erik: Oh shit! I can't do that!  
  
Raoul: Try! I dare you! Then you will lose!  
  
Erik: (Succeeds in moving his hand, but becomes very unsteady and nearly falls) Whew! That was close!  
  
Christine: Ok Raoul, it's your turn! (Spins again) Left hand Yellow.  
  
Raoul: (grins knowing this is an easy move, but ends up with his head by Christine's feet) Phew! Christine you need to wash your stinky feet! Good lord! Did something die?  
  
Christine: (spins again for herself) Oh lucky me! Left foot Blue. (She kicks Raoul in the head on her way to moving her foot) Sorry Raoul! (Snickers to herself)  
  
Erik: I know this has got to be the worst time in the world, but I have to pee!  
  
Raoul: (bursts out laughing and falls to the floor) Damn! (still laughing)  
  
Erik: I knew that would work! (He starts to get up)  
  
Christine: Not so fast Erik! We are still playing?  
  
Erik: Huh? But I won!  
  
Christine: Not likely Erik. I am still playing so how could you have won?  
  
Erik: Umm, I guess you're right. (he moves his next move, which allows him to uncross his legs finally)  
  
Christine: (Spins her turn and ends up doing a backward bend that makes Erik and Raoul gasp in pain)  
  
Erik: There is no way anything human could bend like that! (He looks closer at Christine and she is about to fall out of her dress. He slips and lands on his back hard)  
  
Christine: Ha ha! I won!  
  
Raoul: Yeah, but who gets to keep you?  
  
Christine: Well, I guess neither of you does. I get to keep me! (giggles) Besides, I think Jules the new Tenor is much cuter and more talented than the both of you are. Bye bye!  
  
Erik and Raoul: What the !@#$ ? (both watch confused as Christine goes skipping off down the corridor)  
  
Raoul: So.  
  
Erik: So.  
  
Raoul: Wanna play again? 


End file.
